Life is chaotic, life is crazy, yet life goes on. There are only so many hours in a day and so many hours in a year. What we choose to invest with our time is an investment into our emotional well being. It is an important decision you must make yet many people tend to ignore the implications that come with their decisions. We’ve discussed how powerful our mind can be, we can influence our reality with it and so what you invest your time in will surely have affects on your life.
How do you know if you’re investing your time in the right thing?
How do you sleep at night? Do you have to numb yourself to just pass out? If you find yourself awake feeling some kind of pit in your stomach, some feeling of darkness coming over you and you can’t explain it perhaps you aren’t investing in the right things in life. You know lying awake in your bed that you could be doing more with your life but the only time you’re willing to be honest with yourself is in the darkness of night.
Why are children always afraid of the dark? It’s a scary thing, the unknown, before electricity darkness was something you couldn’t escape. Once it came you were blind for the night. Perhaps the thousands of years not knowing if you’d survive to see the light the next morning caused us to be more honest in the dark. That time you lay down to bed is a time to reflect and if you aren’t investing your time in the right things you’ll feel it in the darkness. Perhaps you convince yourself you’ll change but what’s so easy in the moonlight never is in the day. With light we can make excuses to fill our days with nothingness.
You need to look at the time you spend on things and ask what is this doing for me?
I can remember old friends who invested hours into sports. It’s one thing if you are participating in an athletic event but sitting on a couch isn’t the same thing. When they’re teams are winning they couldn’t be happier but when they’re losing they’re emotional well being is affected. Yet they have no control over whether they’re team wins or loses.
Investing your time in something you have no control over is a fool’s game.
Yet millions of people do. They invest hours into looking up stats and spending time worrying about injuries as if they were on the coaching staff. We all know people who are obsessed with sports. In the “Disney Fantasy World” it’s the next step for boys. While men claim girls are so brainwashed by the Disney princess affect they fail to realize Disney has done the same to boys. Think about the scope of Disney, they own ABC, they own ESPN and to be a man you must like sports. Rah, rah, rah, the cheering section screams. Bread & Circuses is the old saying, instead of bread now it’s free Big Macs if the home team scores five goals. Nothing really changes. We say it’s just a fun hobby yet there is nothing fun about this hobby at times.
Even your health is affected by what you invest yourself in. In 2006 a study was done during the World Cup. In this study German scientist tracked heart attacks in Germany. We all know soccer fans can be very passionate, with Nationalistic pride taking place, a fascinating read on this by the way would be How Soccer Explains the World by Franklin Foer.(Not an affiliate link) The study showed that on the day of a game, cardiac emergencies more than tripled for men and nearly doubled for women. PEOPLE HAVING HEART ATTACKS OVER SOMETHING THEY CAN’T CONTROL. It’s madness! Yet some people will never realize the truth.
So what other forms of darkness bring out the truth about us?
Tragedy, like darkness can strip you of everything and cause you to take a step back and look at yourself with no lies and no excuses. If you are living a lie and wasting your time on investing in poor things, when a tragedy hits it can be your rock bottom, your breaking point.
Have you had a breaking point? What was yours?
Mine was over two years ago. I had been out of college for almost three years. I wanted to be a writer. I had written a few things, a full length script, a short film, multiple short stories, a small novella and miscellaneous things. I didn’t go to school for writing, my only connections were a professor I had my senior year of college who took an interest in me and that’s it. I had tried for grad school but I had no real letters of recommendations to speak of, no mentor to guide me, and a hodgepodge of a pathetic portfolio.
I wasn’t searching out publishers for small magazines or online or anything. I just wrote but I wasn’t even writing every day. Since I had graduated college I would take a job that I was overqualified for and underpaid for and I would work for a year writing from time to time. When I grew sick of the job I’d either stop showing up one day and skip town or put in my two weeks’ notice. After that I’d survive on the money I had and with the help of my twin to take a few months off to just write. I would get work done but I wasn’t very organized or disciplined.
When the lights went out, darkness enclosing me, only the sound of the ceiling fan humming its lullaby, I would lie there feeling empty. There were no distractions in the darkness, no weed, no alcohol, no beautiful girlfriends. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t do the office job, I had to write but that involved getting my shit together. I was a modern day Saint Augustine praying, “Lord rid me of my excesses but just not quite yet.”
When we invest in our vices we invest into nothing.
If you’ve read some of my previous fiction on here you may have gotten the idea that I enjoyed women. I did and they enjoyed me. I hate writing about it if it’s not in the guise of fiction. I don’t care to brag about it and writing this section is going to make my skin crawl but I’m trying to be honest about everything from the good to the ugly. A weakness of mine that took years to discover was the amount of time I invested in women.
I’ve never been into PUA or any of that shit, most of what I learned from picking up girls was just from observation. It was only when someone brought PUA sites to my attention two years ago that I began to understand the theories behind what I did out in reality.
One of the biggest lessons I learned was in eighth grade. In the years before I had bought into the culture of popularity as most kids in school do. The thing was that I was an introvert. I was a shy, quiet, and intelligent kid. I wasn’t cool but I wasn’t a loser probably because of my athletic ability.
Anyways I had gotten into punk rock music and saw past the bullshit of popularity and school shit. When I decided to be a “nonconformist” I stumbled upon something. Being a shy kid I could practically be invisible some days. Not eighth grade year, I wore outlandish clothes, spiked my hair or wore it in a fro and let my freak flag fly not giving a fuck what anyone thought. My little catholic grade school had to come up with a whole new section of rules on wardrobe because of my brother and me. Yet the strangest things happened, girls wanted to talk to me and people, because I didn’t speak, made up stories about who I was.
I realized one of the strongest tools in my kit was silence.
People noticed me but didn’t have a story for what I was about, so they created stories themselves. By the time I was in college I’d be amazed at the stories people would tell me of “things I had done.” This led me to find the power of neither denying nor confirming. In high school I was a virgin. My first girlfriend was very religious and real about it. She was to this day one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met. Had I decided to take a different path in life I would’ve married her but I didn’t. It didn’t bother me that I was a virgin in high school but I knew you didn’t want that to be public information. I didn’t give the information out and because of this other guys would do the talking for me.
They’d say, “AD slays pussy,” or some inane comment like that and I’d look at them and just chuckle saying nothing. My chuckle though was always in confidence, usually I’d be laughing to myself how they didn’t even know the real me but on the outside it looked like I was saying you wouldn’t even believe. Laughing and not saying anything let everyone else create their own stories of me.
MYSTERY this was the power of introvert game and paired with my good genes I didn’t need to search for the answers to get pussy.
Still in the end I realized I was a fool in the investment I put in women. I was seeking validation that came from having a beautiful woman around my arm. I’d walk through places thinking I might not have a real job, I might be a bum writer drowning in student loans but I got this beautiful bitch on my arm, fuck ya’all.
So one day I reached the pinnacle of my pussy game. This isn’t bragging cause there is nothing to brag about but this woman was the type of woman who was noticed anywhere she went. Italian olive skin, fit body, a face that could cause wars but the beauty wasn’t the only thing. She’d clean my apartment just because or picked me up food if I was working late. Things a great girlfriend does. So she became my girlfriend and I was happy or so I thought.
So you reached the pinnacle, what now?
I had my writing but I hadn’t devoted myself to it. My focus was on keeping my girl happy. In the beginning I felt my life was turning around. I was getting decent pay working in a kitchen but the schedule was too hectic to really get my writing going. I was still making up excuses for why not to write. Working in the kitchen doesn’t offer a lot of free time. You work holidays, weekends and everything in between. Eventually my girlfriend couldn’t handle the schedule. I watched her cry in the parking lot of a grocery store one December night when she stopped by to see me after I got off work around midnight.
I decided it was time to start looking for a new job for her. I still didn’t want the office job but I was so in love with this girl that I decided I had to do it for her. So I left and took my usual writing break and began working on a novel. Yet I couldn’t find that real job and with my money dwindling away I had to pick the first place that would hire me. I ended up as a preschool teacher in which became the most bizarre year and a half for me. We’ll pick up on that story another time.
Now I had the free time to spend with my girlfriend and the time to write but things became complacent. I had weekends off and we’d spend it getting drunk and fucking and laying around the next day hung over. My new job didn’t pay me anywhere close to what I had been making in the kitchen and I found my money dwindling away on expensive dinners and bar tabs. On top of it all my novel wasn’t getting anywhere and although I could feel a darkness consume my body I told myself I was happy with her. I wasn’t happy though and maybe it wasn’t her and I just wasn’t happy with myself. I was working for peanuts but it was my own damn fault. I wanted work that wouldn’t distract me but this meant it wouldn’t have the pay of a good job and I was squandering this by doing nothing with my free time.
I wasn’t the man she had met in the beginning.
That Christmas my sister gave me a beautiful leather bound journal. December 31st of 2012 I wrote my first entry. I couldn’t have imagined what the journal would become that day. During a long stretch of a bullshit excuse of writers block this was my only source of writing. This journal ended up documenting the 16 darkest months of my life up to this point. It is my BREAKING POINT journal.
2013 would become one of the worst years of my life and changed me forever. It is a man walking through hell wondering if he’ll ever get out. January 1st of that year a boil/cyst formed right on the lowest part of my spine above the crack of my ass. It was so painful I couldn’t move. I had to call in sick for multiple days and ended up going to urgent care to drain it out.
“…That shot was a giant thick stick which they claimed was a needle being shot right on the outer part of the boil. It was an intense stabbing pain followed by three seconds of what felt like fluoric aluminum acid piercing and burning through my body as I clenched onto the metal bars underneath the table. You could hear my finger nails clacking as I gripped metal and pulled back trying to rip my nails off…They did it two more times…This may have been physically the worst pain I’ve experienced, nothing else really comes to my mind. Let’s just say sitting—no laying on a table on my stomach, pants pulled down to reveal my upper butt, and having a man stab my boil three times was humbling. But still I thought it was nothing compared to what other people may be dealing with…” 01/03/13
“Was supposed to go to work but too much pain. Had a lot of drainage this morning. Smelt like cabbage and raclette cheese, too much pain to sit and write, hopefully later” 01/04/13
“Car axle broken, cost $220, of course this happens after dropping 130 for dinner with (name retracted), then three thirty dollar purchases.” 2/19/13
“At ten thirty awoke to my door opening and (name retracted) walked in like it was a dream. I perked up, lit into a smile but something seemed off. She sat at the end of the bed telling me how she didn’t know how to tell me this. I started to think I was getting dumped as my body tensed feeling a rush of panic. She was almost in tears as she said she was pretty sure she was pregnant, confirmed by a doctor and she had already decided she was going to Plan Parenthood for an abortion….What could I say? Most of the girls I’ve been with, I would be thrilled to hear this and yet with her I want and would do my best to get my shit together to help….” 02/21/13
“If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have luck at all.” 03/01/13 There was a snow blizzard that day and I totaled my car.
Fifty nine days into the new year and I find my world is spiraling out of control. I’m in a dead end job with bills piling up, my writing is suffering, the woman I love is aborting the baby I put into her, and deep down inside I know, but I’m not willing to admit it, I’m at fault for everything. My girlfriend’s actions told me everything I needed to know. I couldn’t even offer her the option of a brighter future, I had invested in nothing and now I was watching the walls come crumbling down.
If you invest your time into something worthwhile it doesn’t matter when the walls around you start to crumble. You will not fear but continue to press on with your mission.
I hadn’t been making any progress on my mission or purpose. I started to look for external changes instead of internal. For some reason I began to interview for schools in China and was shocked when they offered a job. I was still with my girlfriend but I saw it as an opportunity to really work on my writing and save money. She told me to not base the decision on her and to do what I thought was best BUT if I left she didn’t know if we could stay together.
I was so invested in her I was no longer investing in myself. I couldn’t leave her right after the abortion I told myself even though this was her decision that I was not a part of. So, I turned down the job to China for her, told myself I would never be happy as a writer if I wasn’t with her. I can only look back and think I must have really thought nothing of myself to make these kinds of decisions.
“Since I’m not going to China I’m back to being not very sure what the fuck I’m doing. I know I have to complete the book and maybe that’s it. Just be able to finish it. Many strive for it, I must tame my wild heart to get it done. Keep plugging away.” 3/24/13
“The synchronicity, the unconscious, they pierced time, meshing the past, the present and future all together at once. The obsessing of Street Legal, the last time I did that, Sam and I were done. The finding of Abandoned Love by Dylan, the making of the CD for (NAME RETRACTED) two months ago that I couldn’t give her because half the songs sounded like I knew it was coming. I just didn’t want to come to terms with it. My subconscious was already well aware. She was sucked in her phone off somewhere in another reality that I knew I wasn’t in. I pushed, I pushed, just admit it, just talk to me, I can see through your actions you’re not here and finally the dam broke. Sat smoking cigarettes knowing this was goodbye for now and neither of us knew why and if she did, she wasn’t letting me in on why.” 4/21/13
Only a month after putting my dreams to the side for her she was gone. Why would any woman want to stay with a man who was willing to give up their dreams? Still moving to China wasn’t going to change anything about my situation, it was just a way to say when I get there I will be able to change everything about who I am. I needed to start making the changes now.
Looking at myself I saw that I had grown fat and depressed. I couldn’t recognize myself. A former Division I athlete and I was already fat. I wouldn’t have it and I got my ass back in the gym and I lost the weight. But there was something still bothering me.
I was still searching for validation through pussy and it was only bringing me down a darker path. Dark nights in crowded bars, growing tabs, mindless conversations turning to mindless sex, I tried filling the void inside with no luck. The journal pages started to become littered with the phrases, “AD get your shit together,” or “I need to start writing again and not just journaling.”
I was lost in a haze floating above my body shocked by the habits I was in. I’d get home from work and working out, would go straight to porn and masturbating before sulking out to the living room to watch TV and smoke weed for the rest of the night while thinking about my ex. I was investing my time into working out, masturbating, TV and weed. Things had to change.
I knew I could apply again to China so I continued with my crazy dream of thinking I would wait a year before everything came together. It reminds me of a poem by Charles Bukowski.
Air and Light and Time and Space
“—you know. I’ve either had a family, a job,
something has always been in the
I’ve sold my house, I’ve found this
place a large studio, you should see the space and
for the first time in my life I’m going to have
a place and the time to
no baby, if you’re going to create
you’re going to create whether you work
16 hours a day in a coal mine
You’re going to create in a small room with 3 children
while you’re on
you’re going to create with part of your mind and your
you’re going to create blind
you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your
the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,
flood and fire.
baby, air and light and time and space
have nothing to do with it
and don’t create anything
except maybe a longer life to find
I interviewed for China again but this time wasn’t offered a job. I was lost now, there was going to be no easy escape.
4/23/14 was my last journal entry.
“…Now I have to figure out what the fuck to do. Time to start the work for the next job, my thoughts are perhaps quitting the preschool to do landscaping with Steve and John for the summer while looking for work. It would involve hitting the gym in the morning, then work, then working on resume and writing after.”
I decided there was no time to sulk about losing out the position in China. I knew that if I wasn’t writing here, I would just be doing the same thing over there but in a different country.
External factors weren’t going to help me I would have to look from within.
I figured out what I had known the whole time. There would always be time to create and I needed to create a habit of doing it under any condition and it also meant ridding myself of receiving validation through women.
A year ago in May I told myself if I didn’t have ninety thousand words written in ninety days I would give up my dream of writing. I had been in a rut and I could see myself spiraling and it was time to put myself to the test. It was simple, I told myself, just write a 1,000 words every day. I worked landscaping that summer and some days we’d go and work ten to twelve hours. The old me would’ve said fuck it and wouldn’t write but I couldn’t do it anymore because I knew in the end I was only hurting myself.
That summer I started with just a thousand words a day sometimes more. I kept a log in an excel spreadsheet to hold myself accountable when writing wouldn’t get done. I had to see the zeros in bold red to know it wasn’t acceptable. It was painful but I knew I needed to change my mindset. In 90 days I was well over 90,000 words and found myself a new person. Then China came calling back with an offer.
I accepted but the truth was I was still broke and couldn’t even afford the plane ticket over there. Still I was determined to go, I was almost finished with my novel and moving there would only free up more of my time. Then my father sat me down for a conversation. He told me he’d pay for my ticket but that he was disappointed that I had done nothing to prepare for China. Sure I had taken the proper courses but I was still blowing through my money and had nothing to show. I couldn’t even afford a ticket over there. He reminded me of how he had saved up to move to Switzerland one day because it was his goal. He was right, I thought, and I couldn’t take his money because I didn’t deserve it.
I knew I had to figure out a way to make money off my writing but how?
By January I had finished my novel and I started a website. I didn’t have a clue what my website would be about and I’m still figuring that out, I just knew I had to dive in head first and start to sink or swim.
The greatest advice I can give to someone wanting to change is to just do it, jump right into it even if you don’t have a plan. A plan will come when you’re ready.
You may have been wondering where I’ve been the past month. I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth and what a time to decide to do that. I dropped out just as I was getting on a roll. My traffic was booming, people were commenting and I even had Victor Pride tweet one of my articles out. Most people would’ve told me I was insane to put a halt on the site.
But it was my decision. I can vomit out words for you all day if I wanted but I want to be able to give something to my readers. What’s the point of adding more trash onto the internet? Humans, when around each other, are very good at creating trash and so goes the same for people crowding the internet. Did I worry what people would think about such a long absence? The worries crossed my mind but left as soon as they appeared. What people think is not under my control, so why worry?
Sure I’ve had a pretty good journey so far but I’ve needed to do more. I also wanted to figure out how to make a living off the internet so I could be my own boss and perhaps teach others how to do the same. Yet you have to make money to do such a thing and I didn’t know how I would do it but my subconscious was searching for a way.
Recently an opportunity arose for me to make some money so I’ve jumped on it. In my first month, the month of May, a year later from when I first started this journey, I’ve made 175 dollars with expenses running around 60 dollars. It’s a small profit but still amazing to me considering a word of mine has never earned any cash. Plus it should keep growing. In a few months, if things work out the way I hope they do, I’ll be able to share what I’ve been investing my time in.
So, what happens when you start investing in the right things?
In a year I’ve gone from averaging a 1,000 words a day to pumping out 3,000 words a day minimum and some days upwards to 6,000 to 9,000. In a matter of a month I went from zero dollars earned for my writing to a 175 dollars and I plan for the profit to only keep climbing. Although I didn’t have a clue what I would do on the internet, the puzzle pieces are starting to slowly take place and I can see the big picture forming.
All it took was to change what I invested my time in. It wasn’t easy, a lot of sacrifice is involved but for once in my life when my head hits the pillow there are no thoughts of being dissatisfied with my life. I go to bed beaten down tired every night but the feeling is one of satisfaction.
So…what are you investing your time in?
Let me know in the comment section…